apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
