____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
