Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
