We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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