He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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