You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
a search helicopter?!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize