This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
