Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
