hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
