just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
