Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
