so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
