yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
