Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize