good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
