Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
