And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
