if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
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