9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
sarcasm needs its own font
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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