I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
