giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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