I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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