I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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