Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
