So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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