were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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