I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
