just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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