Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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