Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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