You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
