I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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