Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
