In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
