then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
