i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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