and you said cock pushups were impossible
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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