If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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