Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm passing your future prison.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
