i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
