He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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