textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize