My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize