no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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