I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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