Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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