You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
