Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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