I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Hippo gnu deer
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
