I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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