But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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