Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
