Cold hands, warm shart.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
