Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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