Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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